It's been quite awhile since i last posted on here. In between, there were many times when i wanted to pen down my thoughts, but many a times, words failed me. Looking back at 2012, it was a year where i was broken and rebuilt by God, it was a year where God painstakingly searched for me while i was lost, angry, disappointed and doubtful.... In short, it was a year that was filled with God's faithfulness, God's love and God's grace.

2012 started with me being very bitter.. At times i was disappointed and angry, at times i was doubtful, mostly, i was just lost... Coming back from Perth to Singapore for good was a lesson of obedience to God. God has spoken very clearly to me, through prayers, through people(mature Christians), through His word, and so forth. I cannot run away anymore, i could only trust and obey for i know that His plan for me is always the best. So, trusting in His plan, i came back.

It was a bitter time learning to obey and trust God. I came back wondering what was His plans for me.... and i saw nothing and heard nothing. I felt that, now that i am back, God suddenly just... disappeared. I often asked God "What are Your plans for me? What now? Can You please show it to me?".. But all that i could hear was silence. It was a really painful time. It felt like i have probably hit rock bottom.

There have been countless of nights that i have cried myself to sleep, there have also been nights that i couldn't sleep. My temper became really bad. I quarreled with my parents many many times. I did not want to talk to anyone, or meet anyone because i was tired. Tired of people commenting and/or asking: "Hey, how are you doing?", "You must be really happy to be back home right?", "What are you doing now?", "Are you working now?", "Do you miss Perth?", etc... I was really tired of explaining myself. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to meet God, face to face. I wanted to ask Him why did He want me to come back, i wanted to ask Him what His plans were for me... I wanted to ask God if He had forgotten about me.

Perhaps what made it difficult to come back was the re-adaptation back into Singapore. People moved on. Things changed. I've changed. Trying to fit the "new me" back into the "old life" was really difficult... It felt like I've lost touch with many things happening around me, i felt a little left out, that i've slipped in between the gaps.. I was searching for my identity amidst all that was happening around me and within me.

Looking back, i wished i could tell the "me" back then about how foolish i was, that my eyes were blinded with pain so much so that i could not see God's loving hands guiding me, that i could not see God's grace as He slowly led me forward, one step at a time..

1. My Job
While i was wondering about God's plan for me, His plan was already happening before me (only that i was too blinded to realise..). Through what seemed like a coincidence, but in actual fact was God's plan, i was given the job that i currently have. God is good, always good to us. He knows me best. He knew that i always liked events and project management, and so God gave me exactly what i enjoyed doing.

I had spent a good deal of time trying to look for an events management job. However, i could hardly find one.. And you know what? In the end, the job found me.. or rather, God brought the job to me. What started out as just a temporary 1 month job transitioned into my current permanent job. Currently, i am a marketing executive, doing events and project management and i do enjoy my job very much. I thank God too for blessing me with a really good boss. She is very patient, very willing to teach and guide me along and also, she always looks out for me. Under her guidance, i have indeed learnt a lot. I thank God as well for my colleagues who are also my sisters-in-Christ, that we can always pray, share and encourage one another when faced with challenges.

2. Friends / God's angels
When i was having a hard time re-adapting back into life here, i thank God for a group of wonderful friends, my sisters-in-Christ - Laiyi, Carmen, Ka Yee, Angela Cheng and Shimu. They are like my support group, they are always there for me. They understood and they stood by me. Their presence and support reminded me that i am not forgotten. Despite being away for 2 years, each time i returned (and then eventually for good), they always welcomed me with open arms and hearts. They reminded me of God's love - unchanging and supportive.

Also, i thank God for my best friend, Emma. Knowing how hard it was for me to return back to Singapore, while i was still wallowing in my own "misery", she decided to give me a surprise visit in Singapore and to also give me a good kick in the butt as a wake-up call. She reminded me of that there were many people over here who love me and were worried about me, that i should not be so selfish and continue to wallow in my own "misery", that i should make the best out of where i am now and cherish the time i have with people around me.. I am thankful that she said many things which perhaps others may not have dared to say to me but was what i needed to hear straight in my face so that i would wake up.

I thank God for the mature Christians He placed in my life in His own time to remind me of who i am, who God is and that i need to go back to God and place Him as the priority in my life..

While i was wondering and searching for my identity amidst all that was happening. God reminded me of my identity through Reverend Lin. During Reverend Lin's sharing at one of the fellowship sessions, part of his sharing to us youths resonated deeply within me. He said something along the lines of "Everything changes all the time, the situation, the surroundings, the society, etc.. but only one thing doesn't change. God doesn't change." and it was during then that i was reminded of my identity that i had been searching so long for. I was reminded of who i am. I am a child of God. I am God's daughter. He is my foundation, my rock, my constant. Things change, but my God does not change. Whatever that may happen, good or bad, as long as i hold on to God and trust in Him, it will all be ok. He will make it all right, in His time. That sense of peace, hope and love that washed upon me when i was reminded of my identity in Christ is indescribable. I felt like i was found again, i felt loved again. I was reminded by God that i was not forgotten.

God also reminded me through Ps Guofen to return back to Him, to set aside time for Him and to spend time with Him, my first love. It was a time when i was really pressured and drained by work. I was mentally and physically tired. That Sunday was a Sunday that God had orchestrated to speak to me about what i was going through then. The worship songs and the sermon reminded to place everything into God's hands, that He will make a way when there seems to be no way. After service ended, a sister-in-Christ just casually asked how was work and while i was sharing, somehow, i could not take it and i teared a little. Ps Guofen was there as well. As we walked out of church, we decided to have lunch together and Ps Guofen wanted to pray for me. What seemed like a "coincidental" lunch was in fact part of God's plan to remind me to turn back to Him. While sharing and praying, Ps Guofen reminded me that i need to set aside some time everyday for God, to spend some time with God...to not forget about Him. I was humbled then. I was reminded that i needed to go back to my first love, that God has been, and still is, so faithful, loving and merciful to me. I was reminded that i cannot forget about God, because He has never forgotten about me.

3. Family
I can never be thankful enough for my family, my parents. Despite the countless of times that i've quarreled with them and threw tantrums at them, they still love me and forgive me. I thank God for speaking to me through my mum when i was blinded by my own pain and own plans. My mum has always been, and still is, a channel that God uses to speak to me.


Throughout the whole year, God has been teaching me the lesson of trust and obey, to be submissive to Him, because He knows best. What started out as a bitter lesson in 2012, has eventually became a sweet lesson in 2013. At the very beginning of 2013, the lesson of trusting and obeying Him came into place again. Through prayers and the mature Christians around me, God reminded me the lesson of being submissive. I was being reminded that it is not about whether we say yes or no to an opportunity placed before us, but it is about whether we are willing to place it into God's hands, be submissive to Him and trust in His plans. This time, the lesson of trusting and obeying Him was indeed sweet. The peace that i had when i trust in Him is priceless.

I pray that i will always remember the sweetness of trusting and obeying God, that i will stay close to Him. I pray that i can live my life to be one that reflects God's love. As i end off this really long post, i want to share the chorus of this song, 尽情的敬拜, that i came across during the 2012-2013 watch night worship service. It is a song that has touched my heart, especially the chorus part, and it is my heart's prayer for 2013:

Chorus:
举起我的心来敬拜祢，
用生命来回应祢的爱。
哦我的主，让我单单在乎祢
尽情的敬拜祢。

Have a blessed 2013 everyone, i pray that you will experience God's amazing and abundant love, grace and hope in your every day.